I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
