Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My vagina just clenched in fear
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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