her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Randomize
