I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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