Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
