Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i wish my penis had a tongue
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
