If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
