I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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