wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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