i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
