He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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