I am spending my child support on dildos
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
