I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
