You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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