I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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