..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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