i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
