Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
These tits shall not be calmed
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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