totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
