Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
