I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
