Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
