I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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