I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he fucked my hip out of place.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
