I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she smelled like a LAN party
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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