Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Randomize