i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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