apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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