I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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