Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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