i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
They have beer where we have blood.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
