So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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