i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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