Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
