somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
