If i come over, it means nothing
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
