I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just blew my weed a kiss
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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