never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
