If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
