I just made out with a guy for $7.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
