Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
