shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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