My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
