hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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