I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
