Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
