Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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