i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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