ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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