I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
