So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
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