Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
