Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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