Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
