Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
