Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
