just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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