I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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