So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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