you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
