I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
