We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
