Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
